I've wanted to write about our Europe trip, but the length and detail I would need to accurately capture each city has seemed too daunting. Yet it seemed unfair to post anything else before that. Time kept creeping on.
I've wanted to write about Jon starting school and how exciting I thought it would be. In actuality, it has been soul-crushingly hard and I haven't wanted to broach the subject.
I've drafted fun recipes, done some DIY crafts to document, and built furniture. Still, I felt apathetic about writing any of it down.
Torn between fears of either only painting a pretty picture of my life or of only letting this be a dumping ground for my sorrows, I opted instead for silence. I choose the mantra of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
I recently realized that silence wasn't helping either. Only divulging the highlights and happy notes or only writing gritty, ranting posts are not ideal options, but keeping silent can be just as dangerous. To just keep telling myself "I'm fine, it's just a season" is to ignore life and miss the lesson in the trial.
In reality, I am not fine. It feels like I have been plowing the ground with my face.
Living and serving in Memphis is more challenging than I ever could have imagined. The process of making close friends and community here is slow and tends to bring out my insecurities. I spend more time than I ought day-dreaming of home and our friends there. This does not help the feeling that living at least 3 more years here feels impossible.
I then beat myself down for not seeing the positive aspects and the abundant blessings, angry that I cannot just get over my broken expectations and make the best of it. I struggle to truly believe that things will get easier or that Memphis will ever feel like home. I buck against the notion that it really isn't about how I feel or what I want. I am afraid to really admit just how hard it is here.
My hope is that I can say this now and look back on it in the future with the new knowledge that this trial is not in vain and that I grew from it.
Today marks day 1 of no more faking it. I'm not fine, and it's time to do something about it. Instead of ignoring it or covering it up, I'm taking the first step and admitting it.